Episode 5 - I Never Thought I’d Be That Woman

By: Judith Nisenson

Certified Betrayal Trauma Coach

In this episode, Judith explores what happens when your identity collides with your actions, and why letting go of who you thought you were is essential to becoming who you want to be now. Healing begins when you face the truth about how you got here—without denial, and without shame.

Many women who have betrayed their partner sit across from me and say the same words.

“I don’t even recognize myself. I never thought I’d be that woman.”

When they say it, it’s more than regret about what happened. It’s about who they became in order to cross the line. It’s the shock of looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back.

Maybe that’s you.

Maybe you were the one who swore you would never cheat. Maybe you judged other women who did. Maybe you promised yourself that if you were ever betrayed, you would leave. And yet here you are, in the aftermath of a choice you said you’d never make.

When Identity Cracks Open

Most women who betray don’t think of themselves as “the type.” We grow up with the idea that only certain kinds of people cheat, people who don’t care, who lack morals, who are selfish. So when you do it, it creates an identity crisis. You don’t feel like a monster, but you also can’t deny you crossed a line.

Betrayal isn’t reserved for a type. It’s something humans are capable of when pain, disconnection, and silence go unchecked for too long.

When you accept that, you can start to see that being “that woman” doesn’t mean you’re heartless. It means you’re human. It means something in you needed attention, and instead of facing it with honesty, you stepped away from your own values. That choice is yours to own, and it’s also the starting point for your healing.

The Split That Creates Shame

The gap between who you thought you were and what you actually did is where shame grows. Many women I work with describe feeling like their entire sense of self has shattered. They say things like:

• I was the loyal one.

• I was the stable one.

• I kept everything together.

• I never wanted to cause harm.

And now they feel like they’re living in a life they no longer trust, carrying a version of themselves they don’t know how to face.

Letting This Be Part of Your Story

This doesn’t have to be the end of your story, but it does have to be part of it. You don’t get to erase it or pretend it was a fluke. You have to own it. You have to grieve the version of yourself you thought you were and then decide who you’re going to become now.

You are not defined by your worst moment, but you are responsible for what you do next. Instead of saying, “I can’t believe I did this,” start asking, “Why did I believe I never would?” That’s the question that leads you to the deeper truth, the pressure you’ve lived under, the perfection you tried to maintain, the resentment you silenced, and the loneliness you ignored.

How It Really Happens

Many women spend years being everything to everyone, partner, mother, caretaker, provider, and in the process, disappear from themselves. They tell themselves they’re fine until they’re not. Until the fantasy, the attention, or the emotional connection with someone else feels like the first breath of air in years. And then they cross the line.

That moment didn’t come out of nowhere. It came from years of being out of alignment and from unmet needs you never gave yourself permission to name.

You’re not here because you’re beyond repair. You’re here because you broke trust. Now you have the chance to be honest about how it happened and rebuild yourself in a way that’s stronger and more grounded than before.

Becoming Whole Again

Healing starts when you stop clinging to the woman you used to be and start becoming the woman you want to be now. Not to prove you’re still “good,” but to become whole. That work begins with honesty, compassion, and responsibility.

If you are ready to take the next step in your own healing, visit womenswrk.com to learn more about the work I do with women who have been the betrayer.

All material provided in this blog is for informational purposes only. Direct consultation of a qualified provider should be sought for any specific questions or issues. Use of this material in no way constitutes professional services or advice.