Episode 3 - It Wasn’t “Just” One Time: The Stories We Tell Ourselves

By: Judith Nisenson

Certified Betrayal Trauma Coach

In this episode, Judith unpacks why minimizing what happened keeps you stuck, and how taking full ownership—without editing the truth—is the first step toward real healing.

One of the most common things I hear from women who have betrayed is, “It wasn’t that big of a deal. It was only once.”

I understand why it gets said. Those words often come from panic, guilt, or a desperate attempt to keep things from falling apart even more. It is a way of saying, “I didn’t mean for it to go that far,” or “This doesn’t define who I am,” or even, “Please don’t look too closely, because I can’t look at it myself.”

The truth is, it is never just one time. Even when, on the surface, it was.

Betrayal Starts Long Before the Moment

Partner betrayal does not begin the instant you cross a physical or emotional line. It begins with the first lie, the first secret, the first moment you turn away from your relationship and toward something or someone else. It begins when you stop being honest with yourself.

When you tell yourself it was only once, what you often mean is, “I don’t want to feel the full weight of what I did.” Maybe it really was one night, one conversation, one kiss. But if you are being honest, you probably know there was a buildup. A progression. A trail of small betrayals that made the big one possible. Emotional secrecy. Fantasies you nurtured in your head. Rationalizations. That quiet voice saying “this doesn’t count” or “I’m still in control.”

And then there is the silence. The things you did not say. The truths you did not name. That is where betrayal grows.

The Stories That Keep You Stuck

To avoid the truth, many women lean on certain familiar lines:

• It didn’t mean anything. This might feel like you are protecting your partner, but it is more about avoiding your own pain. If it truly meant nothing, why did it happen? You are here because something in you crossed a line, and that always means something.

• I wasn’t getting what I needed at home. Your needs and feelings matter, but choosing betrayal instead of speaking your truth is the part that matters most here. The betrayal is not about what your partner failed to do, but about what you chose to do instead.

• I didn’t plan for it to go that far. Maybe you didn’t. The real question is how long you were inching toward that moment without stopping yourself. How many boundaries did you cross before the biggest one?

• I’m not that kind of person. The hardest truth is that yes, you are someone who betrayed. That does not make you a monster, but it is part of your story. The only way to become someone different is to stop running from that fact.

These stories might help you manage guilt, but they do not help you take responsibility.

Accountability Means Telling the Whole Truth

Accountability is not about shrinking the story. It is about expanding your ability to hold the truth. When you minimize what happened or edit the details to make it easier to face, you block your own healing.

If you want to move forward, you have to stop trying to control how others see your betrayal. It is not about whether it happened once. It is about what it revealed—about you, your relationship, your needs, your pain, and your silence.

You cannot heal from a story you are still editing.

Carrying the Truth

“It was just one time” is rarely true and never helpful. Even if the betrayal happened once, the thoughts, choices, and behaviors that led to it were already in motion long before.

If you want real healing, the first step is truth. Not the version that keeps you comfortable, but the version that sets you free.

You do not need to perform remorse. You need to sit with it, understand it, and ask better questions about what led you there. Healing does not come from shrinking the truth. It comes from being strong enough to carry it.

If you are ready to take the next step in your own healing, visit womenswrk.com to learn more about the work I do with women who have been the betrayer.

All material provided in this blog is for informational purposes only. Direct consultation of a qualified provider should be sought for any specific questions or issues. Use of this material in no way constitutes professional services or advice.